deep into your eyes i looked
seeing the strong love that was there
a deep love, much admiration,
for another one loved long before,
for one you vowed to share your life with
for one whose place I could never take
always knowing i could not replace her but
being there to help you was my gift to you
there to work through all your pain
that which you carried with you
constantly searching for answers,
            asking why
            sometimes striking out,
            saying hurtful things.
but i knew the root of all this
the anger you felt because of this loss,
the hurt that cut you deeply inside
since the day you lost her in that fatal crash
taken much too soon from both of you --
you, your son -- forced to live a life
devoid of this one special person,
one who meant so much in your lives
i was there for you when you needed me
to help you work through these feelings,
those of guilt, of emptiness, of hurt, things shown
            in your words,
            biting at times,
            striking out in pain
but i was your sounding board
there to talk late into the night
always there for you while you struggled,
me struggling with feelings awakened,
twenty long years since they had been felt,
of my own emotions fighting to emerge
but forced deep down inside for i knew
this was something that could never be.
as time passed these feelings grew stronger
while i felt your pain, and that of my own,
ripping me apart in many directions.
            but never did i tell you.
            you never knew the extent.
            i could never tell you.
the door was open but i closed it tightly,
so this is the pain i carry with me always
sometimes awakened by the words of others
but oftentimes stuffed deep down inside,
in the mind and heart's recesses, deep enough
so that there is a numbing of these
but still late at night these feelings
re-emerge in the darkness, in thoughts,
in dreams, my own pain brought on only by me
and i am to blame for those words said.
            fear was speaking,
            for i was afraid,
            remembering the past,
scared by these feelings as they arose,
these feelings that had laid dormant
for so many years, the love i thought
that would never come again,
the feelings i once had for another.
but as i did for that i destroyed this, too,
allowing this fear to rule my life,
vowing to never let this happen again.
this vow remains strong in my life,
knowing i will never see you again,
knowing that the end has come.
            but still i see you sitting there
            with that look deep in your eyes --
            one that will haunt me
            for a lifetime.