wolf pair      Deception       wolf pair

Deception, hiding, hurt,
tearing her apart, but
where does she go from here?
Conversations forgotten,
memories of what once was
now stuffed back into the subconsciousness,
a longing pervades to just close the door.
       close the door on the hurt,
       close the door on the feelings,
       close the door on the memories,
       close the door on the deception.

What was once thought to be is no more.
Acceptance of that fact has proved
to be the steepest mountain to climb,
one that has been filled with falling rocks.
Time it has taken to reach this point,
for what seems an eternity, trying to be free.
Now a need to lose herself is growing stronger,
       a need to hit the road,
       a need to follow those blue highways,
       a need to go deep into the desert,
       a need to let her spirit run free once again.

Promises now made solemnly to herself
never ever to take this path again
but instead to follow the road of life
as one, a single spirit, not bowing
to the pressures to do otherwise.
That happiness others speak of
is not her destiny, never was, never will be
       with another person,
       with another to share,
       with another to laugh,
       with another to journey through life.

Stories were told, hurtful stories,
not the ones anyone wants to hear
but believable at one time perhaps
because she wanted so desperately
to believe they were true, that they were real.
But then there came that day when finally
she woke up to the reality of it all
       that they were never meant to be,
       that she was being fooled,
       that the words were all too good to be true,
       that they were all nothing more than deceptions.

The sky is dark this day as she grapples
with these realities. The sun won't
even show his face this day but instead
covered by ominous clouds promising a storm
much like the storm that rages inside her,
tearing her apart deep down to her inner core,
almost to that unbearable point
       bringing deep confusion,
       bringing deep pain,
       brining deep sorrow,
       bringing a death inside.

So she succumbs to the lure of the open road,
the blue highways, winding narrow roads,
to take her away, to leave all this pain behind.
And as if in a dream she is flying along these roads,
looking for answers to make this all disappear.
Will she find what she needs out here as she speeds
       to escape this constant pain,
       to escape the memories that haunt her
       to escape everything that might remind her,
       to escape all that torments her every thought?

She is but a hollow shell now, flying along these roads,
not knowing where she is going, vowing to herself
to never let this happen again, never in this lifetime
or any other. How could she be so foolish this time?
She thought she had learned her lessons well
once upon a time, long ago, when these same feelings
were a part of her everyday life for five long years,
       five long years of pain,
       five long years of sorrow,
       five long years of emptiness,
       five long years before the load lifted.

And she thought she had built a strong wall
around her heart from that one experience,
a wall that came crumbling down the night she met him.
Totally caught offguard these same feelings
arose again, this time for another, for something
that was never meant to be, yet she could not stop them.
Could she have done anything to stop them,
       never will she know
       never will she understand,
       never will she again experience,
       never will she allow.

She goes to all those places that at one time
brought her the comfort she needed to find,
to the mountains, to the forests, to the canyons.
But this time they don't offer this comfort.
Not even the desert can provide what she
so desperately seeks though she now continues
to walk on, alone, quietly. The storm has followed her here
       ever threatening to break through,
       ever blackening the sky
       ever raging inside her
       ever tearing her apart.

Totally taunting the austerity of the desert,
she walks on, the air heavy around her,
heavy like her heart now encased in this pain.
Thunder rumbles low in the distance
but she does not hear it, totally lost
in her thoughts racing in all directions.
Closer the storm comes yet she doesn't notice
       for she appears in a dreamlike state,
       for she is totally oblivious to all around her,
       for she continues to wage this inner battle,
       for she longs for her spirit to run free once again.

A low gutteral scream begins deep within her being,
soon so loud it matches the crash of the thunder.
This scream is answered by the howls of that
which has been with her though she has been
oblivious to this fact, so consumed with all
yet that which howls approaches, stopping at her side,
patiently waiting, uttering a new howl with each new scream,
       there to remind her of responsibilities
       there to bring her down to earth,
       there to try to give support, comfort,
       there to stay as long as she stays.

This exchange continues deep into the night,
one growing hoarser as the time passes,
tears now flowing heavily like the rain,
the shell feeling even more hollow, more empty,
praying for release from all her sorrow.
She knows this will always be with her, a reminder.
The next morning at sunrise over this desert,
       she knows she also will go into hiding,
       she knows she must leave,
       she knows another needs her,
       she heads for that other,
              that one light left in her life.







the wolf is my messenger


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copyright © 3 May 2000, by Louve14
revised 25 august 2004
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